The Oracle

Moving (again)

2007-02-09T02:26:00.000+08:00

I have decided to move again to another blog... for the sole reason that i wanted a new title... go figure...well i'm keepin this too but i don't think I'll be updating it. so just click on the link below :)

Mathematics

2007-01-27T20:31:00.000+08:00

What is distance, but a bunch of numbers
that define the space between us.

As if one could calculate
the probabilities that you, ever restless,
would climb your bed and stay still,
long enough for me
to slip beneath you
and raise my chin
to sigh on your shoulder.

As if one could measure
the angles we create when
you reach around me and
lift me up toward you,
drawing arcs with my spine when
I tuck my belly into your torso and
hook my ankles to the back of your knees.

As if one could solve
the sum of our hearts'
incongruent tempo when
I press my body so close
to fuse our breathing and
delude our ears into thinking
we shared a heart.

As if one could plot
the intersection points
whenever we kiss,
fingers interlacing at
the end of outstretched arms,
every muscle knowing its match
with perfect balance and precision.

After all, What is distance,
but a bunch of numbers

that don't exist.

You can write

2007-01-24T16:36:00.001+08:00

I am a storybook,
the tales long ago
etched by quills of blade
and blood ink on
skin parchment.

You were reading me--
setting me on your lap,
opening me and gingerly
tracing the word-scars
with your fingertip.

Like the others,
I offered you a blank page
and an iridium nibbed plume,
enclosing it in your palm as
I spread myself on the table.

You lifted me and carried me
back to the filled-up pages,
flipping the quill over
and started erasing scars
with the feather tip.

I am still a storybook,
bound with human vellum--
but this time rewritten
by your hands, lips and tongue
dipped in soul-ink.

To reach the sun

2007-01-07T15:54:00.000+08:00

while waiting for the sun,
our silhouettes danced
in moonlit corners--
We stepped
toward each other,
by walking from one's dream
to the other's,
each leaving imprints
of laughter on
the other's soul.

And when chasing the sun,
our silhouettes soared
in mirrored skies---
We reached
toward the other,
by fingertips
almost touching...

through the glass.

Pig Lucky Charm

2007-01-04T19:04:00.000+08:00

My best friends A and S called me up just before new years and informed me that 2007 was going to be the year of the pig. Fondly called "piglet' by them, I told them that it was gonna be my year since I was after all, not only a 'piglet' but was born in 1983, also the year of the pig. OINK! hehehe. A quipped: You're a walking lucky charm! (or unlucky) hehehe.

So, friends, if u need luck or something of the sort, I'm your errr... PIG! hehehe. Anyway the forecast for me is kinda disturbing too. I hate change. But here it says I'm definitely in for a rollercoaster ride:

Pigs would feel restless i n the Year of Pig / Boar 2007.

1. You would encounter many changes, in terms of the luck of wealth, career and relationships. (Well 2006 was really bad for me. My apartment was robbed thrice and I was sick for more than half of the year... This change in luck better be good.)

2. The Pigs are likely to move home or office, travel, and experience other changes.
(Funny, I've been looking for an apartment for months now. I haven't yet. Please, please let me find one with a covered garage hehehe)

3. In fact, the more changes the Pigs go through, the lesser the negative impact there is to their emotions. Thus, it is a great year of the Pigs to get married, conceive a baby, switch jobs, or immigrate to another country. (Err.... not so keen on these)
In case the Pigs don’t have any such plans, Pigs should still travel more often or learn something unrelated to your job in the Year of Pig. That would ease emotional problems of the Pigs. (I'm emotional? hehehe yeah. Travel? Yeah definitely right after the bar! Whoopeee)

4.The Pigs are likely to encounter changes in romantic relationship this new year and are prone to injury or surgical operation. (Err... I'm gonna be no longer sick but injured??? No thanks)
In terms of love relationship, you might start dating someone new or break up with your existing lover. Getting married is also a change in relationship. (*rolls eyes*)

5. The Pigs tend to think pessimistically and might even start imagining the worst case scenario-what if I lose my job? (What if I flunk the bar?) The only way to deal with such emotional problems is to leave and take a break. Go somewhere abroad for vacation this year. Your restlessness would heap up to new height in Lunar date October 2007 (i.e. 8 November to 7 December 2007), when you should absolutely go travel. Just a short trip of few days. (This is freaky coz September is the bar and i'm definitely gonna have lots of emotional problems there. Nothing I can escape. But yeah, after that, I'm outta here!!!)

6. In the Year of Pig /Boar 2007, all Pigs seem to have signed up the kamikaze and are ready to do anything anytime. The Pigs are likely to overlook or address their limits or weakness. They might misjudge the situations and get their hands in something they are not familiar with. Of course, they would end up in trouble. (HAHAHAHA this is me all the time! Not just 2007)

7. In your Chinese horoscope constellation this year, there are the lucky stars Jie Shen and Tian Jie. They generally would come to your help when you are in trouble. Yet, also because of their presence, most Pigs are prone to disasters and troubles, which can be created by yourself or others. (ARGH)

8. It is hard for the Pigs to achieve on their own this year. So, take advantage of your astrology force. People are willing to help you in Year 2007. Always ask for help at the crucial moments. Especially when you are facing keen competitions, you need those extra hands to make things work. (I'll keep that in mind)

I am doomed. Wish me luck people. The rollercoaster ride is about to begin.

Q&A

2005-08-04T23:01:00.000+08:00

...for the one treading the railroad tracks with me, it seems parallel lines do meet, if we just walk long enough.

You sat with me
under the sky-clad heaven
and I asked

if stars can be reincarnated

You laughed at my curiosity
and we blamed the world
for not knowing the answer:

I laughed and
found you
laughing with me.

I longed
to sit beside you

behind the moon

and find out how long

its shadow is
a little longer,
in some places , perhaps.
But I know we could do

without such questions.

I think I've had
a little too much
to drink.
And now stripped

of certainty, I am a child again

who grew up to fast
finding myself dizzy,
with slurred heart-confessions:

I laughed and
found you
laughing with me.

Behind the smoke
you exhaled and
the soul I inhaled,
we kissed,
tracing the beginning

of each contact

and I wonder

whether my lips

meant something more.

You wake me
from dreams
of chasing equal signs

making me realize

that reality is of two wholes

in a plane of acceptance.
My heart beats fast
to find yours
in the same incongruent sync:

I laughed and
found you
laughing with me.

I search with lips,
with tongue for
answers that might be
found under a blanket of skin,
on a bed of grass,
in a perfect equation.

Morning streaks

through the leaves
delivering a new-born star
making darkness irrelevant

because after all,

I laughed
and
found
You.

Leavened Bread

2005-06-25T12:41:00.000+08:00

She would churn the smiles
in a wooden bucket,
stirring constantly the memories
while sprinkling arguments
at sordid intervals
to bring out regret-flavored tears.

She would knead the frustration
into elastic patience,
quietly stretching back and forth
to the point of almost breaking
into halves of forgiveness.
Well, almost.

She would leave the mixture
in the oven long enough
for the white to turn into
black inedible hate
waiting to be glazed
with honeyed vengeance.

She would never eat what she baked.
instead, she would serve the feast
in a silver platter and wait
until the soiled plates
were broken and the last crumbs
were licked off their stained fingers.

Then, she would wash her hands and--

walk away, smiling
at the sated heavings.
The guests would say she was gone,
though they didn't know where,
though they didn't know why
only that she always left.

What they also didn't know
was that,
like always after,
a little of her soul
would remain
and turn into

a pillar of salt.

A Butterfly's Effect

2005-05-09T15:04:00.000+08:00

You must find it
fascinating how--
moths are riveted
to the flickering pyre
you dangle
in between fingertips.
Its wings dance
alongside silent, gray tendrils
escaping your breath.
Circling around,
irrevocably drawn
to the sighs
that kiss your lips.
Saltine beads,
tease your temple,
then your cheekbone,
curving around your jaw.
A faint smile shows
your minute amusement
at how this creature
will leave a field of flowers
for the scent of sweat.
This drab cousin
of the butterfly,
craves attention
and will stay still
on your palm
staring up
in simple-minded wonder
at the meteor
about to burn
its wings.

Shade of my heart

2005-05-03T13:51:00.001+08:00

Argh. I'm in sentimental mode. According to the anime, Samurai Champloo, Sentimentality is an emotion discovered in the west to have plagued the female species. BWAHAHAHA. Anyhow I feel Ive been playing too much dungeons and dragons. harhar.

Shade of My Heart

Traveling barefoot has many a time
left me bruised and trembling
with scars and blisters bestowed
by the cracked earth and a nomad's hard luck.

I would not have fallen if not
for the dance of wolves snapping at my ankles
as I limped my way
toward the tree that was -

You. Of immobile roots,
unable to come closer to where I was, and
could only watch and wait as I crawled inch by inch
for a chance to sag against your trunk.

You wrapped me in the embrace of your shade
as I collapsed on the moss carpet at your feet
covering my heart and face from hunters
with spears made of shards from a broken promise.

Your leaves caught the wind to kiss my harrowed face,
the rain to wash the blood from my limbs
as I raised my lips to catch what little dew drops
could quench my parched tongue.

But the drumbeats of survival stirred me awake
when the light waned from its crescendo.
Pale sun meeting moon in silhouettes of dusk
means my journey must continue...

For your shade is not enough
to keep me from the eyes of basilisks
slithering in my dreams,
hiding in shadows within shadows.

Nor could your body shield me
from the frozen knife of the midnight wind,
ruthless even against your branches,
if caught cradling the soul it lusts after.

When blood slowly seeps across the sky
I will have gone where you can no longer follow,
for you are chained by the same roots
that held you back from my rescue.

But let this be a comfort -
I will run carried by the cool breeze you will send
to catch the smell of leaf and flower,
little vessels cupping your memory,

another shade of my heart

Trespassing

2005-04-12T19:52:00.000+08:00

I will let you go for now. I cannot help you this time around but I'll be waiting...

Trespassing

You left the lights on again...

I tread through
the floor that doubled
as your closet space,
carefully weaving
my way through the
empty coke bottles
and scratched CDs
you buy everyday.

My foot grazed
a stack of worn books
you taught me to read
and I tripped,
landing on the carpet
I took hours to pick
only to be patterned
by cigarette burns.

I lay still
staring at the
signed poster of
our favorite band
before pulling myself up
on the bedpost
you normally hung
the cap I gave you.

I sat on the bed
and stroked the stain
that you attempted
to get rid of
countless times
with bleach that
only ended up
wrinkling your hands.

I stood up
and approached
the switch,
longing to touch it,
remembering all the times
I disturbed your sleep
and begged you
to do it for me.

Instead I turned
and retraced my path,
resisting the urge
to leave a sign
of my trespass,
even if it was just
a simple act of
switching the lights off.

For you.

Chasing the equal sign

2005-04-12T19:50:00.000+08:00

"Love is a response to values. It is with a person's sense of life that one falls in love -- with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person's character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul -- the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. "

-Ayn Rand

Chasing the Equal Sign

We are two parallel lines
that meet while sitting down,
our foreheads touching
like the sides of a triangle.
We trade thoughts through
this illusion of an apex,
and I, in awe, notice
that there is precision
in the subtle ways
you hold my hand.
Your eyes dare me
with mathematical equations
that only have one right answer.
The angles of your mind
rest on black and white premises
that form a concrete
wall of syllogisms that
mock me every time
you speak my name.
You are undaunted and unabashed.
Even so, I smile
at all these numbers
streamlined to fit your life
knowing that this is the only time
I can meet your eyes
without having to calculate.
For when we stand,
our foreheads will no longer touch,
the triangle will shatter and we
revert back to parallel lines
that will never meet.

I am left to face the incongruence of it all.

Scab(bed)

2005-04-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

Finally, I've started writing again. I hope the writer's block is gone for good. All I had to do was think of the tip of a pen. . . hehehe

Scab(bed)

Tap. Tap
goes the pen
aching
to flip over
and touch
the page.
held
back, back
by this bulwark
in my mind.
The ink in
turmoil
swirl, swirl
at the edges
insisting on being
heard just this once.
Scratch, scratch.
How slow it starts.
First a trickle -
of
thought
punctured by
rapid scrapes
that blot into -
pictures that
bleed, bleed
these words:
Shaking in delirious anticipation for the proverbial gasp of a full stop.

I fall
back, back
watching the wounds scab.
if
I'll
let
them
scab.

Drowning

2005-03-07T15:48:00.000+08:00

there is a dull throb
in my chest
as if underwater with
the bubbles slowly trickling
from my mouth
and never quite audible
are these screams
lodged in my throat

there is a furious beat
in my head
as if claustraphobic and barred
by lock and chain
and made from my imagination
is this freedom that swells
every time you turn your head
when i tiptoe outside your door

i saw you crook your finger
and again i'm pulled down deep
into these dark waters of madness
and i cannot scream still
the undertow stole my final breath
until my heart drops slowly
to that dull throb
i started out with.

Abraxas

2005-03-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

Abraxas, on a tv show said:
there were all sorts of
untruths us morals admit to
which can never really be labeled
as right or wrong

The minor demon explained:
"There are white lies, black lies
and many shades of gray lies."
Things we buy everyday
like canned goods at the convenience store.

and then I thought:
How about you? Would you be willing
to trade our solid ground of
unadulterated truth for sales talk
on the home shopping channel?

For the worth of one smile:
Abraxas' favorite expression -
a half grimace and half grin
would you break down the cement walls
for the excitement of a pitched tent?

If so:
I will ask Abraxas myself
to build us a new house
using the bricks he adverised -
ones made of white, black...
and the many pebbles of gray.

All mine

2005-02-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

Do you remember when
you spun my world
around your finger?
The half-truths I believed
to be whole
sustained my weight and yet
somehow that solid ground
crumbled and I start to remember
things that I never really had:
your love, your embrace, your secrets...
It's funny how I look back and
cannot say which part was actually real.

But let this be a comfort --

that I shall hang on to
that one tight-lipped kiss
that was definitely
all mine...

Reminisce

2005-02-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

3 stones and a tree
a once refuge of turmoiled souls
the echoes of their voices
still linger as the wind
passes by
stirring the dead leaves on
the ground, words that have
come to pass.
3 stones and a tree
its shade a haven of secrets
witness by the lonesome moon.
The rocks are empty now...
empty of the souls who once
sat upon them.

Rants and Raves

2005-02-23T22:06:00.000+08:00

Cries for release
amidst involatile surroundings
Rain drowns my screams
mirrored by their apathy

The indifference to concern
chains none but my feet
Unable to cross this barrier
of restless souls

Pillage of thoughts
to haunt my awakening
There is no return
for the brainwashed victims.

Idle Hands

2005-02-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

My scars will heal
but insanity will not
and if this goes on
I will have new wounds
to tend to...

Hell

2005-02-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

Hell is relative
Mine cannot be
comprehended nor
compared to yours

Goodnight Kiss

2005-02-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

Hand tilts my head
Then slides to my neck
A kiss goodnight
A strangled cry escapes
A pillow to my face
My back hits the ground
The coldness of the floor
The absence of the light
And a painful kiss goodnight
The sweat drowns my sleep
Even as years passed hence
The memory remains
of that goodnight kiss...

Hate? I think not

2005-02-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

To say the things I dont mean
To mask the things that are within
And when push comes to shove
to hate in place of love

My vulnerability was your feat
Then I thought revenge is sweet
And instead of glory I shed a tear
To know that it's me you fear

You never told me how and why
Nor a sorry or goodbye
To fail the ultimate test
Confusion shall never rest

I tell you that it hurts a lot
To try to feel what I do not

Blatant

2005-02-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

I offered, you refused
I loved, you denied
You took away what I wasn't
willing to give.
And you twist my words!
You make me sound like the antagonist
No, my friend, we're two of a kind
I know that Hell is where you've been
and always will be
But did it ever enter your mind
that I was willing to go there
just to be with you???

Infatuation

2005-02-23T21:43:00.000+08:00

A healed heart that
was never pierced
Has finally felt the sting
of Cupid's arrow
And inspiration, once again,
has knocked upon my door.
Too intoxicated with the gypsy's potion
to pay heed to paranoia
And I, unafraid of the consequences
that dwell on the other side,
stand content to look into
the eyes of my
unsaid joy.

Invocation

2005-02-23T21:38:00.000+08:00

Guardian spirit, come!
Rid me of my evil euphoria
I call this invocation

Divine friend, come!
Wash my hands of desecration
I reach them out to you

Winged warrior, come!
Oust from me my vengeance
I'll surrender it to thee

But lo! Thou comes
a prowler in the night
to steal my impetuosity

yes, MORTAL, come!
Wake me to penitence!
Indeed I'll open my eyes...

Only to laugh in your face!

angst

2005-02-23T21:35:00.000+08:00

Do you judge a person weak
Just because you haven's seen her strength?
Do you deem a person ignorant
Just because she is innocent?
Do you see a person bling
Just because she covers her eyes?
Do you think a person passive
Just because she pretends to be so?
And do you pronounce a person friend
just because it's the only label you can afford
to give...

On waking up?

2005-02-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

Hand held high
Brilliant mind
Proud and strong stance
shielded heart
Undefeated for many years
and yet you make me cry

open hands

2005-01-27T21:27:00.000+08:00

Time ticks and tocks
precious seconds
slipping through fingers

The wheel turns as the bets are placed
precious money
slipping through fingers

The secrets build or should i say, lies?
precious love
slipping through fingers.

Death by Fire

2005-01-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

Great, why do i keep dreaming bout my death when i so don't wanna die yet. This time's really frightened me.

I was with my family at the mall when all of the sudden the place just seemed to fill up with people. The kind of shoulder to shoulder crowd that went to the shrine at EDSAII. I got separated from my mom and my cousins. We decided to rally back to McDo. I just got so lost and it seemed that it took 30 mins just to move an inch.
When i finally saw the McDo sign, I was suddenly atop a building filled with more people looking down at mcdo. I had to find a way to get back down.

All of a sudden the windows burst to flame and smoke had started streaming from the stairwell. I ran out the rooftop pushing and shoving people aside while i heard explosions behind me. Then waterpipes started bursting into flames (which was weird). I ran and shoved. Stairs exploded under me splashing me with mud and debris.

The last thing i remember before waking up was the fire creeping up to my toes when i reached a dead end. I remember screaming with pain as I tried to call my mom on the cell to say goodbye.

Appropriate death for a sinner, ey? hahahahahahah burn baby burn.

My doggies

2004-12-29T10:44:00.000+08:00

Eye candy for my friend The Paradox.

my tresmaryoseps!

this is lloyd.

this is lloyd (again)

isn't he such a sweetie?

The world spins. I spin with it.

2004-12-27T10:16:00.000+08:00

Law school has changed my perspective a lot. 2nd year and still standing... but only on the surface. I'm beginning to have doubts. A lot of expectations have been ruined after reading our good old Supreme Court decisions. It's like an innocent child learning that the worlds isn't as pretty as he thought. Law and Justice were supposed to be synonymous. I guess I really was a dreamer.

The evil are guilty, and create Law. The good are innocent, and create Justice.
Terry Pratchett

Our professors encourage us to change the system. To fight it even. I'm just feeling a little small. My uncle had decided to lecture me on the "profession." "We lawyers end up as crooks," he says. "At least the famous ones do..." Sigh. I refuse to believe it. Belief is a strong thing. It can change one's life so one must always be careful in choosing what they wish to believe in. (Faith comes under this category- but that's another entry...)

"Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anyting. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool"

Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander, Wizards First Rule

True, the public does not hold lawyers in high esteem. There must be a basis somewhere. But as an afterthought, we aren't all alike. There must be some honor left in this world. There I go dreaming again... But I will TRY. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

Fear rules those weak enough to accept it.
Greven il-Vec, Magic: The Gathering

Death to Religion

2004-12-27T09:28:00.000+08:00

My lola passed away last dec 17. For the first time in 4 years I actually attended mass, prayed the rosary and washed hands in holy water. My status as a cynic and atheist has taken quite a turn, i don't know if for the better. No, I have not embraced religion back in my arms but I have considered the possibility of a god's existence. BUT if it be the Christian god that most worship then I have not made peace with him...yet. He can sit in his high and mighty throne and contemplate on his lost child while I walk away.

As for the prayers and the mass, i have reaffirmed my beliefs: that death of a loved one brings a huge need for repetitive mantras called prayers. It is that sorrowful chanting of pleas to a god which brings a lot of comfort. It has helped eased my grief. Call me a heretic or blasphemer, I don't care. I do what it takes to live. After all that's all what religion is to me:

To make an absence less than total.

I'm sorry lola. I cannot follow you...

This is MY life.

"If god dosent exist then this life....every second of it...is all we have"

-Anne Rice

Puppet

2004-08-31T17:49:00.000+08:00

Dead.
Like a piece of wood
With a painted face
Come.
Pull my strings.

Coffee

2004-08-31T17:42:00.000+08:00

Its cold and raining outside. Perfect for coffee. No this is not an ad, i am simply enjoying little dependable things in life --amidst all the chaos in this so-called life.

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated

You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys

Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites.

And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Mapa by Adrian Furing

2004-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

Another gem by my good friend Adz. Enjoy!

Mapa

may darating na tagsibol na hindi mo na ramdam
ang bawat taludtod ng iyong mga kanta...
na halos wala ka nang mahahawakan kundi amuhin ang iyong mga luha,
umawit at managinip pa habang ang mundo ay mahimbing;
kapagka dumating na ang panibagong bulalakaw ikaw ay maaagnas...
hindi ka naman daw umiiyak, umuulan lang ang iyong paligid
wala ka namang inuungkat dahil dalisay ang iyong pag-ibig
at kung saan man patungo ang agos ng tulang ito
na nais kung isiksik sa bawat hilatsa ng iyong buto-buto;
magugulat ang iyong mundo sa pagkadapa ng anino ko
gayunpaman, umaawit pa rin ang hinaing ko sa lugmok na katawang ito
paano ba tayo magtatagpo sa yumaong mapang ito,
gayong hindi ko pa nababasa kahit pabalat ng iyong libro?
marami akong nakita sa mata ng aking kaluluwa
at halos lahat ay hindi matangggap ng aking sikmura
ang mga nilalang na ito ang pag-ibig ko!
at hindi ko alam kung kailan ko isusuko sa iyo ang lokasyon ko sa mapang ito;
o baka hindi na tayo magtagpo
malulungkot ako, malulungkot ako
ngunit bago pa man dumating ang tinadhanang tagsibol
ako ay aawit at mananginip;
at magiging masaya - kapiling ka

Why I Am Quiet

2004-08-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

This was written 4 years ago... Now people say that I'm also DEAF... go figure. Hmmm must've been those construction drills and rock music! hahahaha

One of the reasons why people keep asking me to repeat myself is because I am quiet. No, I have not mastered the art of incoherent speech, as some might like to think, neither do I mumble in hopes of passing it for an apathetic response and most certainly I am not shy. I am simply not gifted with a loud voice. I spend my time on things where only my hands and eyes are involved, and it's a setup that doesn't require me to be vocal. And you can't very well exercise your larynx when curling up with a good book, or better yet, playing solitaire on the computer.

I remember people in my childhood, most especially my mother, telling me to speak only when spoken to, and mind you; she would shrill at my ear so I'd get her point. When you're young and your sensitive eardrums are taking a banging like that, you would be very eager to submit to anyone's will, just so you can stop that throbbing in your head. My mother never had to tell me twice because I had discovered that a nod and a swift execution of her orders could subdue her. Not that I didn't suffer, unfortunately, my brothers were not as smart as I. They resorted to answering back with endless whys, which left me to keep score on various shouting matches both inside and outside our home. I daresay I'm proud that my ears have the capacity to bear with construction drills, bass drums and rock music turned up to full volume. That is more than I can say for my inexperienced vocal cords.

I have attempted to sing, in the bathroom that is. The tiles do such a wonderful job at amplifying the voice don't you think? When I am not in that magical, voice-improving place, my singing could be described as breathy as if I was just humming. In any case, my music career will be limited to playing the piano. At least I don't need to sing, hitting the ivory and ebony keys will make it sing in my stead.

I have attempted to join discussions and debates in hope of sharing my philosophical views but too many times the words "pardon me?" put out that tiny flame of argumentation on the tip of my tongue. It is not that I cannot explain my ideas well, indeed I can, just not loud enough to be coherent. Funny, I can write dissertations on a single concept yet cannot utter a single paragraph of it without someone asking me to repeat myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am fully capable of carrying on a conversation, but that again would be a conversation that involves me repeating a sentence or two for my listener. But most of the time I am content to just listen to others speak, taking mental notes so I can ponder them at home and launch arguments in my mind wherein my voice is so loud it echoes through the silent room. I think that is what they mean by loud thoughts. Thoughts can be really loud even though you don't hear a thing. Ironic don't you think?

Once I'm in a classroom, I try sitting up attentively in hopes that people may not mistake my silence for apathy or shyness. I jot down notes for future reference because as I said, I like doing things that involve only my eyes and hands. So gradually, trying not to look too snobbish or nerdish for that matter, I write and I write and I write. Writing, like reading, playing the piano and solitaire is quite comfortable, a good excuse for me not to use my voice and avoid those loathsome words, "sorry, I didn't hear you."

I am quite sure that I am more the quiet type, and will most probably stay that way.

Mirror Universe

2004-08-12T09:31:00.000+08:00

Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?

Did you ever wonder why the mirror has such a powerful effect on people? Take for example Violet, she stares at her reflection for hours on waves of vanity, constantly checking if her face is still as perfect as it had been thirty minutes before. Then there's Michelle who takes a glimpse and nods her head in her happy-go-lucky mood. She smiles at herself and whisks off to school. And finally there's Jane, she is one of those who fear the mirror and would turn her face away every time she sees her reflection. But all three are beautiful by the world's standards. Is it not then only a matter of external features that the mirror has the ability to reflect?

Like in Snow White, the Evil Queen's magic mirror chose Snow White as fairer than she. How could this be? If beauty were subject to relativity then both the Queen and Snow White need not compete for they were both raving beauties. And if Violet, Michelle and Jane were truly beautiful externally, why do they not stare at their reflection for the same period of time? What then is the standard of beauty? Who then sets this standard? How do these mirrors work?

Violet, a question of vanity, she takes pride in her appearance and spends endless hours enhancing her assets, applying blush, lipstick and all sorts of cosmetics. What does she see in her magic mirror? I don't like the color of my lips, I should change it, she thinks. My eyes are too made up, I should go for the natural look, where is that tissue? God, is that a zit! Oh dear, I better cover it up before anyone notices. They might think I'm ugly. Will Hannah approve of this look? Will Steven be pleased if I wear pink? How about this skirt? "Nah!" She walks to her closet and pulls out another outfit...

Michelle, happy-go-lucky, she's comfortable in her own skin and takes care of her appearance only to please herself. She thinks, Hair, check. Teeth? Check. Any dirt? No. Good. Are my clothes wrinkled? Just a little, I'm fine. Ok, got to go. And so she waltzes out of the house and waits for the school bus to come pick her up. It's a good day today; I've got it all figured out.

And Jane lies unhappily in her bed. She watches the mirror reflect the window on the other side of the room and the little bird’s nest on a branch outside. I don't want to get up. I'm so lazy. I have no purpose whatsoever. I don't know what to do. I feel so useless! I hate myself. Look at that beautiful baby bird! She stands up and pulls a towel over the mirror. There, much better. She crawls back to her bed and within moments she's fast asleep.

Like in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, all mirrors are magic. They not only reflect the external but also the internal. In the case of Violet, Michelle and Jane, their mirrors were screaming out auras of self-esteem. Beauty is not objective, that there is a specific description to what is beautiful. Beauty is not relative in the sense that anyone can judge another if they are or not beautiful. However, the ability to recognize one's beauty lies in the individual. It is the individual that sets standards of beauty and applies those standards to her and to others. Beauty is a combination of external and internal.

The hand that holds the mirror asks that famous question: Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? And she will get the answer she already knows in her heart. To Violet, her answer is uncertain, her mirror will answer back, "I don't know your majesty, why don't you ask your friends?" To Jane, "Certainly Snow White is fairer than you, heck, any girl is and will be prettier than you. You are damn ugly!" And to Michelle, the magic mirror will faithfully answer, "You, Michelle, are the fairest of them all." And so Michelle closes her compact mirror and gets on the school bus to start her day.

Mirror Universe

By and by the light doth descend and steal
In hours of pondering and solitude
Time stays still to mirror that I do feel
In my mind's quickening and my pen pursued.
Epiphany, a glimpse, as words race by
Where mortal mirrors whisper and reveal
Sorcery that drains that life and soul dry
That potion can't cure nor time can so heal.
Oh sensitive mind, a word or a thought
Reflection of evil lying beneath
That a Queen's mirror will give the truth sought
Even when death is a burden bequeath.
Ivory towers can be made to fall
The mirror will seek the fairest of all.

Kite

2004-08-12T09:27:00.000+08:00

More of my old poems

It was the last harvest we shared our hut together.

I remember a speck of plastic white
in the expanse of blue as it swooped
toward the corn fields- the deftness of
each fold, the accuracy of angles, its proper
height and breadth even the strength of string
my Kuya maneuvered it with.

The breeze is finicky he said.
There would certainly be a storm.
Clouds began to form and the wind swept the ground
of its fallen leaves. Low rumbles of thunder gave way
to sheets of rain that tumbled from the sky,
splashing in muddy streams at our feet.

He hurriedly tied the string to a tree
as the wind howled and whipped it
around in circles.
Father called us off the fields,
waving his arms like branches of Acacia.
The wind laid waste half our crops.

The palay stalks are still dry,
The soil, cracked by the sun is now barren.
We had planted our lives
to the earth we love,
rooted ourselves like the trees
and still the kite was severed from the trunk.

Lost

2004-07-29T14:57:00.000+08:00

Here's another look into my subconscious...

...I was struggling in class... my English professor was teaching us origami...with PINK paper...yuck... Art was never my forte... And then there was an exam. Yes my crim pro prof was in the dream (hmmmm)... He gave us a 5 question exam... complete with illustrations... Clock ticks. Tocks. Ticks and Tocks... He suddenly announced 5 minutes left... i looked down at my paper... it was BLANK... i had written and answered nothing... gasp. shock. SHIT!... I begged him to give me more time... the hours dragged... It was 4pm... then it was 7pm... 9pm... tick... tock... i looked up at the clock... 2:30 am... i looked at the paper... it was still blank... sir was pacing the floor saying it was too late... i said wait... please... i begged... and then i ran downstairs... (the setting had turned into a house)...i crouched under the staircase and began writing furiously... it was hard to see... it was dark... the only light coming from upstairs...

I met up with my classmates... People from law school... we were going to a party... I was looking forward to it...

It was evening, there were a lot of japanese lanterns in the garden... people laughing and partying. It really was fun... Then my friends decided to go to another house and watch some movies. I said i'd stay... I'll finish the beer... and maybe catch up later... the party goes on... time dragged on... some of the others were leaving... i decided to hitch a ride to catch up with my friends who left earlier...

We were on the highway... and then i saw my friends coming from the other direction... i asked the driver to stop... so i got off... it turns out my friends were going back to the party... So i decided to go back as well... I rode a jeep... I saw the highways and the skyscrapers... i got off in the middle of an abandoned road... I walked... and walked... and walked... and suddenly... i only had one shoe... and there were a lot of puddles of mud in the street... i walked... splashed... walked... and then i realized i was LOST... I racked my brain trying to remember the address of my friends house... BLANK... AGAIN... I walked further... splashed further... I didn't know where i was going and i couldn't even hail a cab since i didn't know the address...

I decided to take some shortcuts through some squatters area... I walked in the narrow maze of cardboard shanties... i turned left... i turned right... i peeked into some of the homes... there was no EXIT... Suddently i was stuck in the maze... the walls close in... the path choking off to dead ends... I couldn't find the way OUT...

Then i met this man. Sitting on a wooden crate... he pointed at a treasure chest... he said i should find the key and save the world... and myself... I thought maybe i could find my way home...maybe... So i looked... i walked... i splashed... i turned around and around... looking for my shoe, the exit, the key, the way home... And then i saw the key!! It was on a leather string... but it wasn't an ordinary key... It had a needle in it... So i went to the chest... It FIT!... so i opened it... and found...

A box full of liquid medicine. Cough syrups, anti-asthma syrups... all kinds... i said to the old man... how is this supposed to get me home? He laughed and didn't answer me... He just laughed and laughed... The walls closed in...

I woke up. (Never found my way after all)

I'm a tool am i????

2004-07-22T05:05:00.000+08:00

Ok this is starting to scare me... am i that cold and unsociable?... hmmm... yeah probably. But i disagree that i'm completely unfunny... I have my moments... when i feel like it... not everything that comes out of my mouth is dry and sarcastic... at least i like to think so... hehehe. here, take this test, see how u fare...

Wackiness: 34/100
Rationality: 72/100
Constructiveness: 38/100
Leadership: 48/100

You are an SRDF--Sober Rational Destructive Follower. This makes you a fount of knowledge. You are cool, analytical, intelligent and completely unfunny. Sometimes you slice through conversation with a cutting observation that causes silence and sidelong glances. You make a strong and lasting impression on everyone you meet, the quality of which depends more on their personality than yours.

You may feel persecuted, as you can become a target for fun. Still, you are focused enough on your work and secure enough in your abilities not to worry overly.

You are productive and invaluable to those you work for. You are loyal, steadfast, and conscientious. Your grooming is impeccable. You are in good shape.

You are kind of a tool, but you get things done. You are probably a week away from snapping.

Addendum, 2004/07/19: this fits me 99%, there is a slight inaccuracy however. We are not necessarily completely unfunny. If we have a sense of humor (I do) it surfaces on the occasion with well-timed, completely dry, very sarcastic, wit. - Chase

... addendum affirmed

This test was referred to me by The Paradox.

Tightrope (Translation of Gensoumaden Saiyuki Ending theme)

2004-07-13T23:42:00.001+08:00

So, we go on refining life like an ever-sharpened knife
And our faces are reflected on the back of a windowpane
Now the target's set as me if my weaknesses they see
it will come to haunt me once again
With that pressure hemming in on you from on every other side
We smile just like the other folks but with a lot more pride
Oh, I'm sure no matter who you are, it always stays the same
I must fight against myself

So, such an angelic face now coming down the road
Unable to foretell sudden tragedy will unfold
With never a sound With nary a cry I look up to the blue sky
And now keep acting out the roles you have in any scene you play
Before you talk of dreams or hope in any other way
Oh, I'm sure no matter who you are, it always stays the same
You must fight against yourself

With pressure hemming in on you from on every other side
We smile just like the other folks but with a lot more pride
Oh, I'm sure no matter who you are, it always stays the same
I must fight against myself
Oh, I'm sure no matter who you are, it always stays the same
You must fight against yourself

Far-off distance (English translation of Naruto opening theme)

2004-07-13T23:37:00.000+08:00

Hit the gas! There's no need to finagle, oh yeah!
We'll go all through the night.
I'll complain at the end, the balance is zero, oh yeah!
We'll whittle the days away...

When you open your heart a little, and pull someone close to you,
Your feelings will surely reach them deeper, yeah...

Hurry it up! Wring it out!
Though my legs are all tangled, they will surely take me far...

Even if I steal it and manage to grasp it,
If it isn't you, then what's the point?

So I'll go further and further away!

Hit the gas! There's no need to finagle, oh yeah!
We'll go all through the night.
I'll complain at the end, the balance is zero, oh yeah!
We'll whittle the days away...

When you open your heart a little, and pull someone close to you,
Your feelings will surely reach them deeper, yeah...

Hurry it up! Wring it out!
Though my legs are all tangled, they will surely take me far...

Even if I steal it and manage to grasp it,
If it isn't you, then what's the point?

So I'll go far into the distance...

Your world will become a thing of deceit
painted all in white...

what's in my head?

2004-07-08T23:18:00.000+08:00

had another dream... just bits and pieces... but the gory details stick out somewhat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was running from something...don't remember from what exactly but it wasn't something scary... just needed an escape...

so i got on a bus... met some people... took pictures of them... i asked them to take mine... it was fun... i was sightseeing... the landscape blurred past and it was a very peaceful...

then i got off at a town... and i was with some friends... i don't remember who exactly...we rode a tricycle... one that was see-through... "for tourists" it said on the side... *sigh*... nice architecture... nice streets... nice man with balloons...

guy with a butcher knife appeared suddenly... he was sitting in the middle of the road with his legs spread out... yes, sitting... didn't see him run... he was just THERE...

we swerved to avoid him... weird... i was curious... so i looked back... and he raised the butcher knife high above his head... *gasp*... and he brought it down on his outstretched leg... *chop*... i hear flesh... *chop* again... i hear bone... *chop*... i see blood

Suddenly i was running... i don't know what happened to my companions... just needed to run... just needed to... stop... breathe... gasp... breathe... spit... another familiar face came up to me... i felt at peace again... she smiled...

"whatcha doin here? Didn't know you were comin to visit," she said

i couldn't answer...i was breathing hard...(all that running, you see)... so i just pointed behind me...apparently she understood... she laughed...

"everyone's like that here..."

EVERYONE

"some can't accept that they're already dead..."

"...and so they try to kill themselves again"

EVERYONE...EVERYONE...EVERYONE... my head chanted the words, as if i couldn't understand her...maybe it was too much for me...

she shook her head and looked at me funny... she laughed again... she reached out and grabbed my camera (the one i was taking pictures on the bus with)

"Yeah, everyone. you too, ya know... let's see..." She stopped and took the film out... held it up... Yeah, here it is."

"YOU DIED RIGHT AFTER THIS 10TH SHOT WAS TAKEN"

..."yup...yup" and she tossed the film right back at me... I caught it and looked...

...it was in color...the people... the red bus seats... my yellow shirt... funny... i had makeup on... blush and lipstick to be exact...yes... it's bright pink...

but my face... it was gray...
and my eyes... it was pure black... no light reflected... just black

funny... and so i just thought... YES i'm DEAD... and nodded...yes, after all, i AM... yes...

I turned around and asked my friend if she wanted to have coffee with me. She said yes...

AND THAT'S JUST WHAT WE DID.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up...

Ang Unang Pag-ibig na Sikreto by Adrian Furing

2004-07-01T00:15:00.000+08:00

Here's a little something my good friend/poet/songwriter wrote. i hope you guys enjoy his work. I am very proud of him so I might publish more of his work here (with his permission of course).

Ang Unang Pag-ibig na Sikreto (June 30, 2004)

isang mapusyaw na hapon at pula ang langit
nag-aagaw tingin ang liwanag sa dilim
sumasayaw ang luntian sa himig ng hangin
naupo ako, yakap ang lamig na naglalambing

waring inuukit ng mga kutitap ang anyo ng hangin
kasabay ang musika ng ritmong ligaw
hinayaan ko silang maglayas mag-isa
sa maingat kong paghinga habang ako'y kinukubli
ng lilim na hindi ko kilala

hindi ko sasabihin sa iyo ang tunay na nakikita ko

may luha akong dahilan upang hindi sambitin
aaminin ko ang nakalutang sa mata kong lihim
at ngingiti sa akin ang mga bituin
sa init nito'y mapapatag ang mundo ko

namutawi sa isipan ko ang bughaw na dagat
sakaling kumupit ng piraso, itanim ko dito
bumaklas ang ugat, mundong mabigat
mga dahon sa aking hiraya
maaagnas ako, ni-sa panaginip hindi ko hahalikan

magkabilaan ang ating mundo

nag-uutos ang dilim at umiiyak na rin langit sa aking piling
baka luto na ang sinungkit na ulam sa inaanay kong paa
gusto kong umuwi pero wala ito sa aking mga isinaisip
maglalako na lang ako ng baraha sa piyesta ng pamaypay

ikaw ay hindi magiging ako

Senile at 20!!!

2004-06-28T19:40:00.001+08:00

Man, talk about when the ink well dries up... I think the same thing has happened to my brain. The barrage of new info on torts, insurance, and property have taken up some of my precious memory balls that i can't seem to remember things i've done or things i'm supposed to do 5 minutes later after thinking about them. (yes it's that bad!) I'm too young to be senile! Take for example this morning, right after cramming some SCRA tidbits into my brain, i had already forgotten:

1) where i put the notebook i was writing things into
2) what time my class started
3) why i was taking a bathroom break when i didn't feel like i needed it

I actually took a time out and sat down on the toilet lid to think things through again. The scary part is when you're trying to recall something and your mind just goes blank and you have to consciously kick yourself in order to recall what exactly you were trying to recall.

Suffice it to say that it took 15 mins to remember that:
1) I put the notebook under the stack of xerox readings for the day
2) My class started at 2 (after looking at my form 5)
3) And that i was in the bathroom to brush my teeth.

Funny part is, after remembering these things, i had already forgotten what the cases i read were about!

good thing i found my notebook!

I'd rather not study... I'm so dead tomorrow

2004-06-25T17:04:00.000+08:00

I'm hooked on these guys and cannot find the rest of the episodes for the 4th stage...

Ahhhhhhhhhh

I think therefore I am

2004-06-25T16:38:00.000+08:00

Found out about this test from The Paradox

My Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 38%
Visual : 61%
Left : 66%
Right : 33%

Rachel, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.

Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.

Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.

You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."

With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.

Take this test! click here

Whatever

2004-06-25T15:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when leaves shake
their fingers at you
and point you down a dark path
You have not any idea
where such trails lead
But the shoe itches to go, to run
And the hands tense in anticipation,
and maybe fear.

The body learns and reacts automatically
even when the head cannot decide,
nor the heart believe.
It needs neither thought nor argument
and only moves by wild instinct.
Fly swift my feet and do not
let the mind catch you.
Else, you'll be back where you started.

The Song of the Audience by Neil Gaiman

2004-06-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

Let us call now for the makers of strong images,
Let them come to us now carrying their quills and sharp razors
Let them gash their arms for ink and let them limn.

Look at them tracing their desperation, the makers of strong images
Look at their ink clotting brown and black on the parchment skin
Look: they render us down there limb from limb.

Like dreamers they will reduce us in the rendering,
Like ash and fat to soap we are reduced to our essentials
(Like a shadow who stares at us with eyes of flesh).

Let them entertain us, the makers of strong imahes.
Let us toss them copper pennies. But let us not forget.
They make the images. We give them flesh

Absence

2004-05-11T17:32:00.000+08:00

You know that mixed feeling you have when you just break up with someone? It ranges from relief to anger and it's one of those feelings i hate since one can't exactly pinpoint which feeling it is. duh. so... all together now... (barney tone) i love u...u love me...we're a happy family...

Absence

Your absence is as

sweet as a captive dolphin's
release to the wild,

like the trophies you collected
in high school for your small triumphs.

It is as if watching a child's first day
in school, proud yet fearful.

It is as cold as my apartment
with its cement floors and bare walls,

like a kitchen that stunk from
a quick lift of the compost bucket lid,

It is the smell you could never get out
no matter how much antiseptic you used.

Your absence is as

efficient as algebra when it comes to
moving me about in sleep,

like the sound of a taxi's
unhinged door sliding in the gutter,

like a punctured gas tank
sparking toward explosion.

It is the feeling of an alcoholic vomiting
on sidewalks not knowing how to get home.

It is also the feeling of social workers
finding dead children in closets.

It is the happiness of dogs when they chase raccoons
and find that their noses, slashed, bled always

After.

Sonnet IX

2004-05-04T02:21:00.000+08:00

I guess i'm in a sonnet phase. It's actually my favorite kind of formal poetry. My earlier ones have some shakespearean influence so, i'd rather not share them. This was the last sonnet i wrote. I don't think i'll be able to write new ones since sonnet involves 2 things i find difficult nowadays (since im so brain dead because of summer) 1) rhyming and 2) making sure that there are 10 syllables in each line. ghastly donchathink? actually im just making excusez for my lack of inspiration...

Sonnet IX

If I should give up and lose all my will
That want lay not on a bed of roses
That fear could get the better of me still
And in bliss he quietly reposes.
Power taken equals power given
Take he shall of what is rightfully his
And in all madness his spirit driven
I would come crashing down in all of this.
Where that I found peace in finality?
That I must shake my fists and cry in vain
For he bleeds with joy, I with agony
Of the gift I've given all made of pain.

Regret envelops what I have long claimed
His spirit exalted whilst mine is maimed.

Sonnet IV

2004-05-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

One of my sonnets. Maybe i should start sharing them from the 1st but i find the others corny. I wrote this for my crush back then (who is now my boyfriend) So don't despair kids, hard work does pay. Anyway, I'm sharing this since every poet has to share one of her unrequited love poems once in a while. hahaha. It was really hard getting 10 syllables in each line though.

Sonnet IV
A too familiar face seen in a dream,
A too ignored stranger roaming the street;
Part friend and part foe or so it may seem,
Who silently considers life's defeat.
A secret admirer walks by your side
Scaling the shore for any treasure sign.
Each stone overturned by the swelling tide,
Reflecting journeys through the sands of time.
Twas fate that she saw you a life time gone
Twas fate too that had kept you near but far
Two estranged friends having something and none,
Unaware of her love borne in a scar.

But death shall intervene emotion true
And fate brought her to a world without you.

Nightmares

2004-05-04T01:57:00.000+08:00

Seems like a popular topic. Although some of the normal nightmares i have are the ones with the blood and blades, the worst ones i have are the ones that took place in real life and i have to relive those moments again and again. I wrote this back in 2001. I grabbed my notebook when i woke up from a nightmare and scribbled...

To wake up sobbing
from a vision replayed
so many times
in alarming succession.

To wake up screaming
about a vision replayed
so many more thoughts
to cloud the heart.

To wake up fearing
a vision replayed
so many more nights
of horror and tears.

To wake up longing
for a vision to stop
but still everytime it comes
when sleep dusts my eyes.

R18

2004-05-01T00:45:00.000+08:00

As promised, I have decided to put in an R18 poem in here. This was just one of the things that popped into my head during one of my creative writing exercises. I had fun writing it. Hahahaha. Enjoy!

Tribute to women drivers

Late afternoons,
it is this time
that I, a woman
take my turn to ride
my husband's jeepney.

I hoist myself up
on the driver's side
then l o w e r my body
onto the seat and
swing my legs
inside.

My husband smiles and says:
"There, it's your turn."

I tentatively touch
the l o n g handle
of the gearshift, close my hand
around its head then
sharply
throw it in reverse.

Easing the vehicle onto the road
it isn't long before I am looking at the
long
hard
expanse
of the road ahead.

My shoulders strain my shirt
as my hands and body
completely maneuver
this sardine can on wheels
as it thrusts
through the gas-fumed streets.

At every stop, a passenger
slithers and squeezes
his or her way between
the wet
sleeves and mixed odors
of other passengers.

A man behind me rests his
big
hand on my shoulder:
"Para ho"
I grunt and snatch
the change on his palm.

It is not easy to do a man's job
toward the end of the day
I drop my last passenger off
and floor the accelerator,
speeding through empty streets
letting the wind cool my sweat.

And despite the aches
a sudden urge washes over me
to see my beloved.
I imagine him waiting
for me knowing that
I could never wait

to come to come god!

to c o m e

home.

Roe v. Wade

2004-04-30T17:17:00.000+08:00

More women's issues for ya. Our Constitution has closed all doors to the possibility of legalizing abortion. As the pro-choice and pro-life meet head on in the streets, they do not stand on equal footing as of now. As for me I believe that "the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities." And one of the rights that come with personal autonomy is the freedom to do what you want with your life, your mind and your body. It doesn't matter if one is male or female, it just so happens that men don't get pregnant. Hahaha. Anyway, it will be some time before our laws recognize such right. The common good must prevail they say. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"When "the common good" of a society is regarded as something apart from and superior to the individual good of its members, it means that the good of some men takes precedence over the good of others, with those others consigned to the status of sacrificial animals." -Ayn Rand

The morning after

The morning after
he took one of his cigarettes and lit it
with what might have been a pistol.
The floor had been swept
of the garbage
spilled on its cement tiles.
The sink that was piled with dishes
was clean. no remnants
jammed in the drain,
the bathroom reeked of antiseptic.
Smells like the hospital, she whispered.
He helped her lie down
and kissed her forehead,
knowing how
her eyes resembled
Quiapo stalls and sampaguitas,
memories seeping through
like her monthly stains.
He knelt beside the bed,
knowing how
Septembers might've been a baby
one that could've been theirs
screaming for milk
they could not afford,
because only
when the neighbors couldn't sleep
would they ask him, why? how?
knowing how
he would've answered,
he couldn't do everything.
He watched her sleep and
put the pistol lighter down.
After all,
he saw too much not to feel
her silent cries through the
thin blankets she clutched
like they were the walls
of her own womb

Women

2004-04-30T16:55:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking a lot about what field of law to go into after graduating and passing the bar. Assuming that I am lucky enough to actually do that, I haven't decided what my main field would be. Although, I do have some inkling that I will end up as the Paradox' notary/secretary... ehem... one of the things I'd like to dabble with are women's issues. So, don't mind if I put in some feminist poetry and stuff like that. It's a topic that I actually spend time thinking about, since most of the time the only thing I think about is what no-brainer activity I should be doing for the day. =)

Women

I am born with a deep trench between my thighs

Like those who wait under
their respective streetlights
to whore, to beg, to snatch, to drink,
to bark and to sell, these children,
in their evening corners,
like moth to lamp posts
are drawn to the warmth
of bills in pockets.

They think only of the
warmth of cigarettes at hand and
the smoke that shrouds their expressions,
angry, weary, helpless, indifferent
of the men who sometimes
forced their way into them
and the number of fetuses
they forced out.

There are also those who live
in clean neighborhoods and
nice big houses who think of nothing
but fresh sheets and soft carpets.
They know nothing of the pain
that comes with having
a deep trench between their thighs
and yet they scoff at those who

are being stretched, scraped, ripped
apart like the turkeys they
prepare for thanksgivings.
Not knowing that
they are no more women

than those they feast upon.

Under the Blankets

2004-04-30T16:41:00.000+08:00

To show you all that I'm not just a dark and dreary person, here's something from the better side of life. =)

Under the blankets

your fingertips tracing my lips
let you know that i was real. we were

embracing under the blankets. i was
pressing my body close to you and
breathing in your scent of sweat and perfume,
reminding me of the feel of your arms
when we first danced, reminding me of the trip to Ilocos,
rolling on cement floors until daylight had
seeped through the curtains, reminding me of
sleeping in Kuya Dado's jeep with the windows down
shivering, forsaking clocks and later calendars. as the

morning dawned, i knew the city below pulsed
with madness and malice. i knew
i might lose you to meaningless faces of
strangers and false friends. i knew
there may be nights of sleeping alone
without your warmth, without your lips.
someday there may be a wedding, maybe
a child or two. there may be screaming
fights over money and other women, maybe
over in-laws. maybe you'll stop whispering
my name in the dark and someday i might
cease to be real to you. i was

drawing the curtains so the light
didn'twake you. i was lying down
embracing you under the blankets,
ignoring the phone ringing in the living room,
cherishing the languor of hips and
fingertips tracing my lips, i was

real to you.

Time Speaks

2004-04-30T16:24:00.000+08:00

"Hell is other people." - Sartre

(Heaven is also other people) HEHEHE

Time Speaks

Time speaks, people change
distance rifts us apart
Time speaks, feelings change
innocence can break your heart.

Time speaks, society moves
further in accusation
Time speaks, pride moves
away in bitter frustration.

Time speaks, insults fall
on your life less-lived
Time speaks, tears fall
from the love you give.

Time speaks, people change
history gives surrender
Time speaks, death changes -
your life they can't remember.

One moment

2004-04-30T16:12:00.000+08:00

Regrets, hmmm I have had a few of those. Especially when it comes to human relationships. I guess emotions are too fragile a thing, always dependent on the choices one makes. Maybe it was because of this fact that I have to think first and feel later. Although the method is not efficient all the time, it has served me quite well in certain situations. I may be described as a stone, apathetic and unfeeling but regret, my biggest enemy, can still manage to make a guest appearance once in a while. After all, I'm still human.

One moment of weakness
One lifetime of pain
One moment of sacrifice
A sentence to gain.

One moment of forgiveness
One memory beget
One moment of happiness
Another scar to forget.

One moment of strength
One decade of fear
One moment of trust
A grave to hold dear.

Teenagers... glad I'm no longer one!

2004-04-30T04:20:00.000+08:00

You know that I-hate-the-world-and-everything-in-it stage that everyone goes through? This was me back in 99. I wonder if I could ever write down such powerful emotions again? Doubt it. My present age comes with a writer's block. So here I am reminiscing. Bear with me.

Bratte

a mannequin among the elite
subservient, disjointed, torn to shreds
my composure under a shroud.
already cast out my dignity
I laugh at my insignificance.
I'm my own worst friend
I'm my own closest enemy
And its back to the gutter,
petulance, a leech on my back.
I've climbed the precipice of delirium
a loner in a chaotic mind.
Swallowed lost hope
then choked on false pride
But I refuse these second hand regrets!
Come a little closer
and I'll drag you down to hell!
A state of apathy,
void and limp with hate.

On Dreams

2004-04-30T03:44:00.000+08:00

Dreams, yes they can be wonderful at times, but in my case more often than not they aren't so...err...wonderful. I wish I could have more control over them, like the Paradox. (I sure would like to make my own dream car at that!) However, I've learned not to take my dreams too seriously, especially since their content ranges from sad to utterly macabre. Oh well, someday I'll probably have to take my subconscious for a checkup. Inkblots anyone?

Here's a poem I wrote after waking up from a nightmare. I don't remember what exactly happened but the images and the feelings are definitely from the dream. Ironically, I have entitled it, Euphoria.

Euphoria

Tendrils curling in the air
Fingers reaching for the light
Euphoria ignites warmth
From embers of the night

Sunken eyes brimmed red
Amnesia's victim cries
Euphoria ignites evil
From portrait of burning skies

Confusion in epiphany
Lies in coffins of the mind
Euphoria ignites insanity
From the past left behind.

Quest for unsettled purpose
Heroes for the unredeemed
Euphoria ignites sorrow
From the visions of a dream.

Ode to Tequila

2004-04-30T02:47:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since my last drink. I look back and shudder at how I took comfort from the bottle. It's funny how I thought I needed it for all occasions, be it celebration or depression. Oh well, it's not like I didn't learn anything from the experience. As with all things, it's fun at first but then you just get sick of it. Here's a peek at one of the things I wrote while drunk... sigh... back in the old days:

Days may have their innocence
and Monday's at your lips.
The hypocrites of Sunday
meet in sweat and fog.
Spilled out truth and
uncontrolled emotions
the dam breaks free.
Scorched from throat to heart,
the insanity relentless.
But I have no fear -
for I am with my equals,
all delirius from the
gold vial of poison
that takes away the pain.
And when the cloud of darkness recedes
and daybreak blinds,
we'll part as strangers...
But the stench of this night
will remain with us forever.

Remnant

2004-04-29T23:40:00.000+08:00

One last look
at the room,
memorizing its features.

My feet lingering
for a few sweet moments,
feeling its strangeness.

I turn and
close the door,
the knob warm in my hand

Eyes forward,
my strides confident
toward a new direction.

My poetry book
clutched to my chest,
my most precious belonging...

next to my scars.

Piano ©2000

2000-02-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

Running my fingers through
the ebony and ivory keys
In my mind a visage
of the melodic seas

The romance unfolds
My soul's tragic sighs
One error can destroy
the harmonious cries

I am not a master
nor slave to the play
I'm merely a lover
of unknown decay

Bringing my hands down hard
The clamor rings out
I shall never complete the song
For my hands still doubt